Monday, March 23, 2015

Meetings. Trousers. Easter.

Accidentally turned on Voice Control on my phone just before.  It looked at me I and I looked at it and it said nothing and I said "...snap...chat?" and it said "NO MATCH FOUND" and then I said "yes there is" and it said "NO MATCH FOUND" and then I told it to fuck off.

Them I opened my email and observed with some interest the 173 Starred Items and closed my email again and opened a cider instead, and then I sang the cider a little cider song, and I am just as concerned about my mental health as you are.

ooooh, are you cold enough / are you cold enough

(It was not, I should have put it in the freezer for a bit.)

My meetings today went well, which I'm sure you are pleased to hear.  The Events one (the one where I spend most of the meeting trying to distract people from the things which I have not done) was particularly good.  We discussed Easter deadlines.  I looked enthusiastic and serious and like someone who would certainly not miss an Easter deadline, and if they did it would not be on purpose.  

To help with the seriousness I made many notes about Easter deadlines, and one note which was a small picture of a house.  I considered discreetly showing the house picture to the person sitting next to me, but they were absorbed in their own note-which-was-a-picture-of-a-rabbit, and so I did not. 

And right before the meeting ended the Meeting Leader said, "with these deadlines, we won't be able to be flexible on any late entries," and everyone looked at me, presumably because I am very busy and important.

find your spirit animal, they said

In completely other news, are you guys aware of PlayPants?  My colleague Picnic introduced me to these at work today and basically they are pants with stealth inside unzippable pockets which allow you to escape detection while publicly fondling yourself or your significant other.  

Here is a picture from their successfully funded to the tune of 10,000 pounds Kickstarter:

of course she is doing metal horns

The Kickstarter page asks the question all of us were thinking: "Why do you need PlayPants?"

And then, as Socrates would do if he were plugging filth trou, it answers it with some other questions.

"Itchy private parts in public?"
"Lonely single night at the Cinema?"
"Dull love life?"
"Boring corporate meeting?"

If we are being honest, Kickstarter, you can have as many topless pictures of beautiful people as you like, but I think we all know that the main purpose of these pants relates entirely to the first question.  And maybe the last one.  Although that could be just me. 

I don't know whether to be impressed by the ingenuity of this or horribly embarrassed.  Imagine future historians, standing behind their lecterns and declaring in serious tones:  "The people of the 21st century made some solid advances in technology and space travel, but also... this."  It'll be like when someone says "can you believe in the Middle Ages they thought the plague was caused by evil spirits?" and everyone goes "oh those crazy old-time folk, we would never do that now, ha ha ha, now let's spend ten thousand pounds on rude pants." 

Man, there are so many other things you could do with ten thousand pounds.  

this you could do this

BRB I gotta go start a Kickstarter.

you guys it has been five years since I made Bear Guitar thank you so much for reading my blog.


Sunday, March 22, 2015

...wasps and boinking*

*when I started this post that is not what I expected it to be about.

Hello everyone!  Not much to report except I just put on ridiculous glittery blue nail polish and now I'm going to have to wear black tomorrow to avoid clashing with myself.  (It'll be good though.  Here is a short summary of me tomorrow: Serious business, serious business, serious business, JAZZ HANDS.  I wonder if I have to go to any meetings.  I certainly hope so).

this quarterly report is FABULOUS

I have checked my calendar and I do have to go to a meeting tomorrow!  In fact I have to go to two!  One is a client meeting that I'm looking forward to (I like the client) and the other is the weekly Events meeting.  This is a meeting where we sit down and go "Ok, we are two days behind deadline for the Horse Accessories Sale* and there does not appear to be anything loaded into the system" and normally I attempt to look at once contrite and adorable, and ask for a deadline extension.  Obviously tomorrow I will turn my nails so they catch the light, temporarily stun everybody, and dash from the room before anyone realises what has happened.  I know how to do meetings.

Here are some non-meeting-related things that have happened this week.   They would be in chronological order but I have forgotten which days they happened on.

1.  I was having my morning shower, washing my hair and keeping an eye on the spider who lives above the shower in case he fell in, when suddenly, a wasp!  A wasp in the shower!  I went "OOOOP" because apparently this is the noise I make when it's too early to wake up the neighbours by shouting "AHHHHH FUCK YOU WASP". And then the wasp fell out of the air and into the shower and went down the plug, which was a good outcome (for me, not for the wasp).

I have so many questions about this.  What is a wasp doing in the shower at 5.30 in the morning?  What is a wasp doing anywhere at 5.30 in the morning?  And why would he choose the shower?  Was he some kind of a wasp pervert?  Or simply a wasp wanderer**?  Why did he just stop flying and fall in the shower?  Was he struck by my nude beauty?  It could have been that.  Or was he simply struck by the water of the shower?   Or - had he been out for a big wasp night and done something he seriously regretted*** and was now very wasp hungover and wished to end it all?

I suppose we will never know.  RIP wasp.

Rest In Plughole.

This hadn't occurred to me before, but I really hope his wasp friends don't gather for a memorial service.

2.  I called one of the female sales reps 'bae' because she called me 'boo' and I thought 'bae' was just the 2015 version of 'boo'.  It turns out that it is not, it is much more serious than 'boo' and generally not something that one would use to refer to one's colleagues, unless one was boinking them. Although you can also boink your boo.  I think.  Fuck I am not down with the kids of today.

Anyway, it was good to learn this about 'bae' before accidentally saying it to my boss.

3.   I was talking to my friend Andrea and the conversation wandered to asking people out, and we realised that this is something neither of us know how to do.  She's married and has been for some time, and even before I was with HB my general approach was more "hello sir, we appear to be intoxicated and in close proximity, do you fancy a boink" than any kind of "shall we perhaps go to a movie sometime, or eat dinner, and then see if we fancy a boink."

sir while it is an excellent font that is not what i meant

I suspect that when you're asking someone out you try not to say boink, or ask them if they would fancy one, even though everyone knows that's the real question.  Would you like to go for a beer sometime?  The beer means boink.

Andrea and I tried to find some non-boink ways to ask people out, to see if we could, and we could not.  Luckily she asked her Facebook friends, and one of them commented with this, which will now be my standard go-to for any pending date situations:

"If you would ask me on a date I could stop wondering."

WONDERING IF YOU WOULD FANCY A BOINK.

(Feel free to leave your own top boinking propositions in the comments.)


*unbridled discounts!

**not all who wander are wasp

***I don't know what a wasp would regret.  Wasps don't really seem like they have many regrets.  I can't imagine a wasp thinking "oh man, maybe I shouldn't have stung that puppy, what will everyone think?  I'm never having that much nectar on an empty stomach again.  Oh God I don't want to go into the hive today."   Wasps have always seemed more likely to go "AYYYY FUCK YOU PUPPY IMMA STING YOU AGAIN HEY GUYS WATCH THIS *STING STING STING*" drives away in obnoxious wasp car.


Tuesday, March 10, 2015

Office Pick-Up Lines

Had Management Dilemma earlier in the week when I found out from a colleague that one of the other sales managers had banned 'Shoot, Shag or Marry' from office conversation.  Felt like I should also ban this in the spirit of professionalism, not that we play it much anyway because we are all so busy being remarkably productive, but couldn't bring myself to do it because of the lost entertainment potential.

Later I asked my friend-and-colleague Picnic why Other Manager had banned it in the first place and she said, "Rupert keeps putting Manager into the list.  When he's right there."  It's good to see the spirit of professionalism is alive and well.

I also got caught checking out someone's butt while they were at the photocopier but that is a Management Dilemma for another day.

shit son are you toner 'cause I need to order some of that

Was talking to Picnic about accidentally checking people out in the office and it occurred to us that there is a massive untapped market for office-related pickup lines and why has no-one made a thing out of this yet.  Evidently there should be some sort of Office Flirting Handbook written by someone smooth like me and containing immortal, classy, meeting-appropriate lines.

You would need categories, because there's a lot of ground between "hey girl do you use Office Suite because I notice you Excel" and "DANG SHORTY IS YOU MY DEALFLOW BECAUSE I GOTTA DO YOU EVERY DAY."

DANG

So, in yet another ill-advised attempt to avoid the crashing inevitability of my still-incomplete spreadsheet, allow me to present a short guide to Office Pick-Up Lines, scaled for situational appropriateness.  You are welcome to use these as often as you like but please be aware that if you get taken to HR it is not my fault.

Preface: General Advice

Picnic suggested that I include a General Advice section, covering off topics like "how to act normally when you have had a remarkably vivid and inappropriate dream about a coworker," and "how to act even more normally when you have had a remarkably vivid and inappropriate sexual encounter with a coworker," but I have left this section out, as obviously there is no way to act normally in either of those situations.  All you can really do is avoid them like the dickens and pray that they resign.

Office Pickup Lines, Level 1:  Photocopier and/or Lift Conversation
Like a fine wine on a gentle summer's afternoon, these pick-up lines show that you are interested, but do not show that your nipples are visibly hard.  Your nipples will do that on their own behalf.  Also, you should wear thicker shirts.

These are all pretty vanilla and so I haven't included any examples; I trust you to come up with your own.  Light puns around common office equipment work well-

DANG SHORTY IS YOU PAPER 'CAUSE I'D HAVE A4-SOME

I'm sorry about what the printer said.  That printer is filth.  I meant more along the lines of "hey can I borrow a whiteboard eraser 'cause I want to wipe out this distance between us."

Also if someone says "is this in the agenda?" you can look at them meaningfully and say, "You can put it in."  Feel free to use other ambiguous phrases, like "We need to enter that hard data into the backend."

Also if there is a calculator required, you can discreetly enter '80085' and then show it to the colleague of your affection and point subtly to your chest.  Men, you can also enter '80085' but instead of pointing anywhere you just make an enquiring sort of a face and a subtle thrusting motion.

Level 2:  In A Meeting
As almost everyone in a meeting is bored at almost any given time, this gives you considerably more leeway for off-colour remarks.  Nothing spices up a meeting like an off-colour remark!

Again, you can use nice business analogies, leading in with the serious then closing it out with the seriously sexy, remembering that subtlety is best left behind in Level 1, and that all of these will work at least 25% better if you follow them up with a wink:

  • "I hope there's a solid Marketing budget, cause you'd benefit from deep penetration."
  • "Are you tracking above target this month? Cause your figure looks fiiiine"
  • "Let's take this from a soft launch to a firm, full-thrust offer."
  • "Did someone order stationery?  I've got a big package."   


A BIG PACKAGE OF C&B THAT'S WHAT

Honestly, printer.  Settle down.

Level 3:  Friday Drinks
At this point at least one of you is drunk enough that you have stopped caring about how awkward it's going to be on Monday.  These are in caps because they cannot possibly be delivered in your inside voice.

  • LET'S HAVE A MEETING ABOUT BUSINESS ANALYSIS, BABY YOU PUT THE SIN IN BUSINESS AND ALSO HOPEFULLY THE ANAL IN ANALYSIS HOW ABOUT IT I'LL BOOK THE BOARDROOM FOR LATER
  • DID SOMEONE SAY EBIT-DA 'CAUSE I'LL HAVE E-BIT OF DAT
  • DOES IT VIOLATE THE DRESS CODE IF I JUST CAME IN MY PANTS
  • YOU CAN CALL ME PRINTER-5035 CAUSE I'VE BEEN SCANNING YOU ALL DAY
  • YOU HAVE A MAGNIFICENT BUSINESS STRATEGY WHAT SAY WE BONE

The last one is the best because everyone knows only classy ladies use 'bone' as a verb.

I shall endeavour to use as many of these as possible this week and report back.



Tuesday, March 03, 2015

Operation Boyz II Men

Hi everyone!  That title will make sense later, maybe. This post is vaguely not-suitable-for-work because of a couple of pictures of butts.  You can probably see the first one already.  I'll keep typing just in case you opened this in a meeting and haven't scrolled down far enough to hit the butt yet.  Probably you should stop scrolling now, tab to a different window real quick and then read this on your phone.  If you are leading the meeting and happened to open this on the projector then you have my sincere apologies.

Was reading old blog post in the hopes of finding something of vague interest* and stumbled upon footnote that said "Charisma Biscuit would be a good name for a band, or a military operation" and guess what, this is still true**.  Many good band names would also be good military operation names, like Operation Arctic Monkey and Operation Atomic Kitten and Operation One Direction and Operation Das Racist and ok, maybe not that last one.

Operation Sex Pistols.

Speaking of linguistic errors and genitals, which we weren't before but most certainly are now, today I stomped professionally over to the copywriting department to ask something along the lines of "am I correct in thinking there is a testicle reference in your copy on this deal for personalised jewellery" but before I got there I was waylaid by a designer who had an important question, and the question was, "Do I need to pixelate the outline of the penis in this men's mesh underwear deal, or should I just put a little star over it?"

An alternate suggestion.

And by the time I had finished advising on the penis pixelation predicament I had completely forgotten about the testicle reference and, now that I think of it, Testicle Reference isn't a terrible name for a military operation either.

Particularly when one is invading Scandinavia.

In other news, had Dramatic Incident in supermarket car park yesterday; had put groceries (cider, Le Snak, meals for one) in back of car and was preparing to back enthusiastically out of park - it is on a slope, so one has to back enthusiastically otherwise one doesn't back at all, and then sometimes one gets stuck on top of the thing-to-stop-you-driving-into-the-garden with one's, um, bit-on-the-front-of-the-car*** which is potentially called a fascia but which I always thought was called 'The Fearing', which coincidentally is what I start doing when I get stuck on the thing-to-stop-you-driving-into-the-garden, and holy shit this sentence is a train wreck but my point is that I was about to start backing enthusiastically, except when I started the car it went "WEEEEEEEEKKK" and did not back at all.
It was like trying to back this pig.  

I tried again, tentatively, and the car went WEEEEEKKK again and lurched backwards so it was pokin' out into the throughway and I thought "OH GOD THE CAR HAS BROKEN DOWN OH FUCK" and then I thought "Ok Ally, you know what to do here.  Put hazards on. Put car into park. Put handbrake o-"  and then I discovered that handbrake was already on.  For fuck's sake.

What else has happened?  Not much else has happened.

Hopefully something interesting will happen soon.


*Didn't.

**I also found a second footnote, on the previous post, that said "Operation Scummy Buttocks would be a good name for a military operation."  This was perhaps not my best work. 

***I don't know what anything is called on a car.  I know what most things do, but not what they look like.  We have an Automotive event coming up at work, and it has its own little logo, which I was presented with and said "This little logo is delightful, what are those thingies in the middle that look like flags," and the designer said "They are pistons. They are inside the engine."  

HEY DO YOU KNOW WHERE A PISTOFF IS?  IT'S RIGHT HERE THAT'S WHERE IT IS